What Kind of Poker Player are You?

note: keep track of which letters you’re choosing to rate yourself at the bottom of this post.

General Poker Questions:

1. You just stacked your arch nemesis. How do you berate him in chat?

a. Talk shit in russian.
b. Call them a fish.
c. Say “jajajajaja nit”
d. Say “ty”
e. Say “oh trooooo”

2. You are on a large downswong. What is your excuse?

a. People aren’t gambling enough
b. Online poker is rogged
c. My raises aren’t getting any respect
d. I’m running under EV
e. I’m running into the top of my opponents range

3. You just cashed out money from your account. How did you do it?

a. I don’t cash out. I only deposit.
b. I got a check mailed after I got 3rd in this tournament. Can’t trust any online banking.
c. Transfer to friend I am multi-accounting with.
d. E-Check. I don’t want to pay bank wire fees.
e. Large bank wire. BO$$

4. What kind of screename do you have?

a. Something with characters that are not on a standard qwerty keyboard.
b. Something that sounds scary.
c. Something with my name.
d. A pop-culture or twoplustwo type joke.
e. Something with clever wordplay

5. What kind of avatar do you have?

a. No avatar. Couldn’t figure out how to do it.

b. Cute puppy
c. Espana futball!!!
d. Hot girl
e. Gucci mane

6. Who is your favorite poker player?
a. Tony G
b. Daniel Negeranu. He makes great reads!
c. Patrik Antonius. He is agressif!
d. Phil Ivey. The stone cold nuts.
e. Jungleman

7. What would you consider to be the ultimate poker achievment:

a. Stacking Phil Ivey at nosebleeds
b. Winning a tournament
c. Tilting Ronfar
d. Winning 100nl UGL
e. Making enough poker monies that you can bang mad bitties despite your mediocre looks and social skills

General Lifestyle:

8. Who did you vote for in your country’s last presidential election?

a. I do not live in a democratic republic.
b. John McCain
c. I didn’t feel like voting
d. Barack Obama
e. I wasn’t old enough to vote

9. What is your favorite music to grind to?
a. Piano music
b. Coldplay
c. DJ Tiesto (techno music)
d. Whatever pandora tells me.
e. Underground gangster rap.

10. What is your favorite tv show?

a. Japanese human tetris

b. Soap opera
c. Bullfighting
d. Family Guy
e. The Wire

11. What is your day job?

a. Oil tycoon
b. Small businessman
c. I am at university
d. Cardrunners video producer
e. Str8 pimpin

12. What do you do to relax?

a. Watch highlights of my professional soccer team.
b. Make love to my beautiful wife.
c. Take a siesta.
d. Post on twoplustwo.
e. Dankness

13. What is the closest city to your current location

a. Moscow/Tel-Aviv
b. Paris/Munich
c. Madrid/Buenos Aires
d. London/Toronto
e. Chicago/Stockholm

Preflop Strategy:

14. You have 33 utg. What is your play?

a. Minraise
b. Limp
c. 3x raise
d. Fold. Small pocket pairs have RIO.
e. What are table dynamics?

15. You have 66 on the button. A good, tight-agressive player makes it 3.5x from EP. What is your play?

a. Call or Raise (mix it up)
b. Call
c. Raise as bluff
d. Fold
e. What are table dynamics? Do i have an edge on this regular? Is he tilted? Does he check/fold a lot of bad boards?

16. You pick up pocket aces. What is your play?

a. Limp/reraise
b. Make it 6x
c. Make it 3x
d. Make it what table ninja has as my standard
e. What are table dynamics? If i limp will it get reraised? Can I make it a large raise and expect to get calls from weaker players?

17. You pick up pocket kings. There is a raise from EP. What is your play?

a. Make it like 20x. Time to build that pot
b. Minraise
c. Make it 12x
d. Flat. What if he 4bets?
e. What are table dynamics? Are there squeeze happy players behind?

18. You have 67 of clubs on the button. A good, tight-agressive player makes it 3.5x from EP. What is your play?

a. Call.
b. Am I on my rush?
c. Make it 12x.
d. Fold.
e. What are table dyanmics? Is there a weak player in the BB?

19. You have QQ in the BB. A weak player limps from UTG. A tight player makes it 4x from the cut off. An agressive player makes it 12x on the button. What is your play?

a. Shove
b. Call. Open shove low boards.
c. Make it 33x.
d. Fold
e. Make it 25x.

20. What is your favorite non-premium poker hand?

a. 22
b. J10 of hearts
c. 63 of spades
d. Queens
e. 78 of clubs

Postflop Strategy:

21. Tight player opens in early position. A weaker player calls in mid position. You call wiht 78 of diamonds in the BB. Flop is 642 with one diamond. What is your play?

a. Donk-bet small
b. Check/call
c. Check/raise
d. Quick check/fold
e. Lead fairly large with plans of firing barrels vs both opponents on good cards for our perceived range and our actual hand.

22. Loose player opens in mid position. You flat 55 on the button. An uknown player in the BB comes along for the ride. The flop is 567 with a flushdraw. The PFR fires 3/4 psb. What is your play?

a. mini-raise
b. smooth-call. plan to raise the turn
c. make it 2.5x his bet. snap call shoves
d. call down
e. flat to keep bb in with worse hands. raise a lot of turns vs either opponent depending on sizing/timing tells.

23. Tight player opens on the button. You flat 88 in the sb. Flop is 666. What is your play?

a. Contact your astrologist
b. donk-bet
c. check calldown. fold to overcards
d. check calldown flop and turn. always fold river
e. check calldown. make some hero calls on broadway turns and rivers

24. A very good agressive player opens in mid position. You three-bet AKs on the button. Flop is A108 with a flushdraw. What is your play?

a. pot
b. check. lets not blow him off his hand
c. bet/3bet shove
d. check for pot control. try and get to showdown as cheaply as possible
e. bet/3bet or bet/fold depending on how often you have been 3betting him light, and abusing position

Results:

How to calculate your score:

Award yourself 1 point for every (a). 2 points for every (b). 3 points for every (c) or (d). 4 points for every (e). Everytime you answer (d) award yourself a point in a seperate category called “nit points”

Under 36:

You are a whale. But let’s be honest, if you can afford to lose this kind of money, who’s the real fish?

36-55: You are a fish. You don’t really have a very good understanding for poker, but enjoy dabbling in cash games while you are playing tournaments with really talented team pokerstars pros like Dennis Phillips.

56-80 with nit score less than 8: You are a spanish lagtard. You 3-bet 25 percent of steals, raise every coordianted board, and never fold postflop. You are only a small winner at 100 and 200nl, but goddamnit you’re annoying to play against.

56-80 with nit score of 8 or more: You are a nit. You have learned how to be a fairly successful poker player while moving up stakes, but have hit a wall at 50nl. You are very easy to read, but often get paid off when you only represent one hand.

81+:

Tremendous! You are an elite player. You might not have won a tournament, but you are a large winner across multiple limits in cash games, and are respected and feared by both your friends and your enemies.